Memories From My Teens: The Wrong Fart.

It was a regular weekday in secondary school. The bell signifying the end of first break had just been rung and students were rushing to their classrooms; to avoid the wrath of teachers who obviously weren't pleased with the idea of  waiting for their students.

Anyway it was, like we used to call it, English period. I had just returned from the Staff Common Room (part of my duties as Assistant Class Prefect was to search for teachers if they weren't in class ten minutes after their period had begun) with instructions that we were to read a text and work on an assignment since our teacher had to see to an emergency.

We were reading in groups when all of a sudden, my stomach began to growl, you know, that sound that's like a combination of the wind blowing and a tap flowing. At first I shrugged it off since, I hadn't eaten anything crazy that morning. Then the discomfort began to increase and the growls as well, and that's when I made that big mistake. I figured that it was gas and I felt a fart coming up. Silly me thought I could quickly release it and be free but no, I was in for an unpleasant surprise as I released the wrong fart. I just felt something warm in my undies.

"Shit!" (the irony). I had just crapped my pants!

I didn't know how to react. I just remember getting up slowly and asking one of my good friends to bring my books to the dorm if I didn't return before closing time. As I trudged to the dormitory, which was a quite far from the classrooms, I prayed that I wouldn't meet any one who would ask unnecessary questions or smell anything funny.

I got to the dormitory and ran straight to the "Tugbuntiafi" (what is known as pit latrine to many), took the soiled undies off and threw them straight into the latrine. Looking back, I shudder thinking of how I would have handled the situation if the dormitories had been locked on that day. So, I did my thing, went straight to take a bath, popped some anti-diarrhea pills and stayed in the dorm till closing.

That evening at prep my colleagues kept asking where I vanished to during that period. To this day I have learned never to "release" anything if I'm unsure of the games my bowels are playing. After all, s**t happens (pun intended).

Seth Rogen & James Franco's Parody of Kanye West's Bound 2 Video is Hilarious!!

Seth Rogen and James Franco decided to take time to do a shot-by-shot remake of Yeezy's latest music video starring Kim Kardashian. I  wonder how these guys able to do this with straight faces? I laughed so hard. Lol!

Here's the original video featuring Kim Kardashian.


Now take a look at the Seth and James version.
 

Memories From My Early Twenties: You Haven't Done The Deed Yet?

I've always been a hopeless romantic; at least for as long as I can remember. Yes, I am one of those romance flick aficionados who would cry when after so many obstacles, the hero and heroine of the movie finally declare their love for each other and share a passionate kiss. Well, I guess I learnt at a very early age that those movies were just that - movies. Where do such perfectly calculated endings happen? Not in this world I'm sure.

Anyway, back to the heart of this post. I was 22 and in my final year as an undergraduate at the University of Ghana. I had just returned from a group discussion with one of my closest friends whom, for the sake of anonymity I will call L. L and I  resided at the same hostel and usually did a lot of things together, except when her boyfriend was around. And he was around a whole lot! This made me feel a bit lonely since I would leave them (I no dey like being third wheel). 

So, one day I decide to take a stab at making new "male" friends online. HI5 was the most popular social network at the time, and thanks to the internet cafe within the hostel, I could be online at anytime. I created a profile and began to make friends. A few happened to be students at UG and asked to hang out sometime, but I was a bit nervous and always gave excuses. That happened till I met a guy who seemed friendly and gentlemanly enough. After a couple of chats we exchanged numbers, hung out a couple of times and became very good friends.

Now, at 22 my thoughts on intimacy were quite rigid. It was a wait till marriage affair for me. Heck! I had guys call me frigid because I wouldn't let them touch me in a certain way or initiate anything that would end in a condom being unwrapped, but I was determined not to allow any boy make me weaken my resolve. I saw what some of my friends had gone through and wasn't prepared to lose my mind over a guy. Besides, despite my not-so-commendable relationship with the good Lord, that was one commandment I felt I could at least try to keep.

So, one night as I was telling one of my girlfriends about how I had turned away as this new "boy" friend tried to steal a kiss, another crazy friend of mine screams and says "Oh Enyo! Don't tell me you still haven't done the deed yet." I can still remember the look I got from the lot when I said I was still "Juana La Virgin" at 22. Did they also think I was insane or frigid? Well, they must have for one bluntly stated that I had watched too many "hit and run" movies, which had made me "scared of four legs". I still laugh anytime I hear someone use that term "four legs". Am I the only one who thinks it's quite crass? I was given an earful about how; the first time was painful, the longer I waited the worse the pain got, men wanted "sexually experienced" women to marry. Oh my! It was as if keeping the V untouched at my age was a felony. 

Looking back, I realize that I was one of the lucky ones who didn't give in to peer pressure. I took pride in being different. Why be like everyone else when you can be you. After all, it is differences that are noticed, not similarities. 

Memories of My Childhood: Tales by Moonlight.

Image courtesy of Google Images

I have always had this undying love for African folklore. Even as a child, I remember how I would quickly go through hundreds of pages of storybooks that were given to us at school, to the chagrin of my Dad, who usually thought the books would have me silent for a couple of days :). For some strange reason, as I drove to work today I began to think about the things that kept me busy during weeknights and weekends during my early years, and one thing that stood out was "Tales by Moonlight".

As a child growing up in Nigeria, this was a programme that many looked forward to viewing each week. Unfortunately, I can't seem to remember what day it aired on NTA (Nigerian Television Authority) but, I do remember how the following morning's discussions at school focused mainly on the story viewed the evening before.

Tales by Moonlight was an awesome kids' show that had the lovely lady storyteller (I think she was Aunty Nkem or something) share folktales with a group of girls and boys in a village setting. These stories, as the title of the show suggests, were narrated in the evening by moonlight. Oh! How I miss those days. As soon as I heard her say "Story story", I would be automatically hypnotized by the TV for the next 30-35 minutes. Not even my favorite meal could take my eyes away from the screen. 

Well, Aunty would then magically transport us viewers into storyland as voice/ human actors re-enacted the story being narrated, depending on the nature of the story. Two of my favorites were "Why the Tortoise Has a Cracked Shell" and "Why the Sky is so High". These stories were not only entertaining, but also taught very valuable lessons/morals at the end. Let's not forget the colourful "Chocomilo kids are here" ad that ended with the "Chewy, Chocolaty Chunks of Fun tagline."

Sigh! If only we would continue to show some of these programmes, children would learn a lot from these instead of the "Ben 10s" and "Generator Rexs" that have nothing valuable to teach these children. Sadly, favorites like "By the Fireside" and "Thursday Theatre" just faded away into oblivion.

Do my Nigerian friends remember "Tales by Moonlight"? To my Ghanaian/other friends, remember any interesting programmes from your childhood? Please share.