Knowing When To Say Goodbye

Source: DeviantArt

In the last few months I have come to realize the importance of saying goodbye to certain people in your life, even though your heart may be loaded with love for them. Throughout our span of life we meet people, share common interests, develop relationships, and grow. Sadly, you do not always find yourself growing with a person when you desperately want to. Instead, you realize that you grow more apart with each passing day. For many relationships there comes a point where it becomes better for you and the other persons involved to end the relationship .

For so long I had maintained relationships that simply did not feel good in my heart, soul and mind. Some of these relationships involved a combined mixture of conflict and discontent. Others were filled with pure discomfort, selfishness and inconsideration.  As I insisted on maintaining these relationships I noticed that I was no longer growing. These people were not adding to my life and were actually using up all my energy. Times I should have spent having a good time were dedicated to me moping in my room and feeling sorry for myself.  I stuck with a lot of relationships because my heart was still flooding with great love for the persons of interest. Just the thought of saying goodbye frightened me to the core of my very being. This fear of letting go, being alone and, living with constant pain left me in negative relationships.

However, there comes a time where one has to accept the painful truth and move on. I find that giving my heart to the Lord has made things much easier for me. I realize now that getting rid of all unhealthy relationships will create more space in my life to create new and positive relationships. 

I thank the Lord for giving me the strength to do that which I should have done a long long time ago.

Still Missing You……….

I woke up this morning

With you on my mind

Remembering your smile

And your dark and smooth skin

Those strong arms

That made me feel warm and safe

And sure that harm can’t stand a chance

 

Your voice always had me

Yes, my heart really did skip a beat

And my knees always went weak, literally.

I was reminiscing about all those times

The good, when you made me laugh

And stroked my hair

The bad, when you listened to my problems

And offered soothing words to calm my nerves

 

I remember how you would look deeply

Into my eyes anytime they met mine

Oh! This is torture.

I have to stop this now

But I can’t stop thinking about you

I thought I was over you

But now, I’m missing you more and more

As the seconds go by.

4 and 20 Hours Loving…….

Am I living in a dream world

Or is this the real realm?

Just an innocent touch from you

Lights my fire

And your  friendly kisses take me higher

You make me smile with happiness

Even when  I feel the opposite

 

You helped me to discover me

When others just couldn’t see

The kind of potential within me

I guess it was their jealousy

Of the extent of my versatility

That fuelled their need to drive me crazy

 

But it doesn’t matter now

For as I walk out my front door

My feet lead me to your patio

And since time waits for no man

I’m here tell you this

My heart beats for you

Every 4 and 20 hours

And 7 days per week.

Love Drug………..

Its 10pm

On a cold weekday evening

And raindrops are trickling down the glass louvers.

Johnny Gill’s “My My My”

Plays softly in the background

As you caress my cheeks

And leave a trail of passionate kisses

That send waves of pleasure

Along my already shivering spine

You smile in surprise

As my innocence blows your mind

And your attitude excites me.

Goodness! I’m addicted to you

Like a junkie is to heroin

And I don’t even need

A needle & syringe

To get me high

So baby, hold me tight

And take me to my happy place

Cus I’m ready for another dosage

Of this drug called love….

The One…

Its another weekday evening and whilst everyone else is probably sipping wine and relaxing after a long day at work, having dinner out with friends, or talking to their significant others about the hectic happenings that occurred during the day,  here I am, listening to JD’s discovery, Dondria’s single “ You’re the one”, and staring at the blank document page on my laptop.

Listening to the lyrics of the song got me thinking. Yep, my mind is simultaneously playing a constant roll of memories and trying to find reasons behind each memory.  How do you determine who “the one” is? Do we look for people who are uncharacteristically thoughtful, or people who are considerate of our feelings and continue to tolerate us when we are being selfish, mean and complete jerks at the same time.

I sometimes ask my friends, “How do you know that this one person is the one you are supposed to spend the rest of your existence on this earth with?” Are there specific signs or is it just a feeling that can’t be controlled? Well guess what, none of my friends have ever given any other answer apart from “You just know”.

Lets face it: My love life is pretty much a giant crap show. I’ve had my heart ripped out of my chest one too many times. So, after failed relationships which started with the conviction that those guys, at various points in time were supposed to be “the one for me”. I’m sure anyone can understand why I’m asking these questions… Or? What do you say, person reading this post?

I would sometimes lie in bed at night, hoping and praying that my ex would call and make a confession of remorse for hurting my feelings but, I finally realized that it was just a waste of time on someone who probably isn’t great for me. After all, it seemed he always had time for every other thing but me.

Personally, I believe that in love the other person must be your priority and vice versa. So why allow someone in your past to occupy a sizeable apartment in your brain? Totally pointless…

So for now, my heart is being be kept under lock and key… at least, till i find the “The One”.

Stronger With Each Tear

There are no words or ways to show

All the thoughts I’m thinking of…

I reflect on my past actions

Oh! the crazy things I did

Just to show my passion

 

You were all I always wanted

Everything I thought I needed

I’m sure I reinvented the true meaning

Of what people call a yearning

 

But then you left

And it felt like the sun

Was taken from my sky

I must confess I’m still confused

And can’t help but feel used

Tell me why I had to pay the wrong price

For falling deeply for you

 

They say time heals the wounds

So why do mine still feel new?

Why does my heart still skip a beat

Anytime I hear your name

Why does my body spontaneously tremble

Anytime I  smell your sweet perfume?

 

I cried for many nights

Till my reservoir of tears was totally depleted

I prayed that you would come back

And fantasized for hours on end

About a love that wasn’t real

And a past, not  to be revived

 

But tonight as I sit in my quiet bedroom

Smiling and typing away on these little keys

I realize one positive thing

In this whirlwind of negative emotions…

That which doesn’t kill you

Makes you stronger

After the tears have dried.

Secrets of A Love Fiend.......

Its been 3 months, 4 days and 6 hours
Since we ended the thing called us
But my knees still weaken
When I see your name on my fon.

Hearing your voice on the radio
Always mesmerizes me
I still can't seem to help it
Cus I always grow so weak
Anytime I feel you close

I know we agreed
That we should still be friends
Since we have a lot in common
And care about one another.

But I'm not sure I can do this
Cus I fall harder for you
When I try to erase what I feel
I can't stop my feelings
Everything I try just fails me

You're all I think about
My heart keeps beating only for you
I keep trying to deny it to myself
Pretending I don't have these feelings
And lying to myself

But the painful truth is
I'm addicted to everything you.
The past, the present and possible future.

Love…

I never thought that

I would feel this different

And I never thought your touch

Would make my senses different

As I try to fathom out what this feelings mean

I hear your voice whisper gently in my ears

“Baby this time things would be different”

Is that why my temperature seems to rise

When your warm hand caresses my cheek?

Or when you tell me my kind

Is an endangered species that must be handled with care?

Or when you hold me carefully

Like a precious commodity not found

In any marketplace?

(Sigh) the tears well up in my eyes now

As you look at me with tender yet surprised eyes

Failing to realize that you blow my mind each second

With the one feeling no one has ever shown me

To a magnitude such as this.

So my conclusion only makes sense.

Now I’m not afraid to let go

And experience this thing we call love

One more time………

Bruised But Not Broken..........

Last night as I listened to Joss Stone's Introducing Joss Stone album, the soulful music made me relax and reflect on my love life.. Last year and the first few months of this year has been a rollercoaster ride between emotional bliss and heartbreak hell......

See... I'm what many people call a hopeless romantic. I try so hard to be careful and yet when I fall in love I stop myself from being safe and that's when the problems start, its as if I'm not supposed to let guys know how I feel... Since the moment they realise how much I care, then they start taking me for granted....

Anyway, last year when an undeserving, ungrateful opportunist broke my heart, I snapped.. I began to ask if something was wrong with me, was it because I was fat (I'm a size 16-18)? Is it because I let my feelings show? Am I too emotional? Am I unattractive?

So, the first thing I did was go a diet and exercise regimen and,  my hard work was rewarded by a weight loss of 10kg... It was then that I realised I was doing it for myself since exercising made me happy and got my mind off things. Oh!!! and when I felt lazy, all I needed to motivate myself was the size 14 jeans that I want so badly to wear by December..

Then I met someone else, who of course raised my hopes only to bring them crashing down.... I cried a few tears, couldn't eat for days and couldn't concentrate at work.... That was when a friend sat me down and said..... "Enyo, when you love yourself 100%, you won't give a shit about being loved by someone else"

And then it was Joss Stone's clearly sung lyrics that suddenly got me back into action.....

And i'll be alright

And i'll love again

And the wounds will mend
I'm bruised but not broken
And the pain will fade
I'll overcome my fear
Its not the end of me
My heart is still open now
I'm bruised but not broken....

Indeed, I am bruised... But I'll be damned if I allow some guy to break me...