Memories From My Teens: The Wrong Fart.

It was a regular weekday in secondary school. The bell signifying the end of first break had just been rung and students were rushing to their classrooms; to avoid the wrath of teachers who obviously weren't pleased with the idea of  waiting for their students.

Anyway it was, like we used to call it, English period. I had just returned from the Staff Common Room (part of my duties as Assistant Class Prefect was to search for teachers if they weren't in class ten minutes after their period had begun) with instructions that we were to read a text and work on an assignment since our teacher had to see to an emergency.

We were reading in groups when all of a sudden, my stomach began to growl, you know, that sound that's like a combination of the wind blowing and a tap flowing. At first I shrugged it off since, I hadn't eaten anything crazy that morning. Then the discomfort began to increase and the growls as well, and that's when I made that big mistake. I figured that it was gas and I felt a fart coming up. Silly me thought I could quickly release it and be free but no, I was in for an unpleasant surprise as I released the wrong fart. I just felt something warm in my undies.

"Shit!" (the irony). I had just crapped my pants!

I didn't know how to react. I just remember getting up slowly and asking one of my good friends to bring my books to the dorm if I didn't return before closing time. As I trudged to the dormitory, which was a quite far from the classrooms, I prayed that I wouldn't meet any one who would ask unnecessary questions or smell anything funny.

I got to the dormitory and ran straight to the "Tugbuntiafi" (what is known as pit latrine to many), took the soiled undies off and threw them straight into the latrine. Looking back, I shudder thinking of how I would have handled the situation if the dormitories had been locked on that day. So, I did my thing, went straight to take a bath, popped some anti-diarrhea pills and stayed in the dorm till closing.

That evening at prep my colleagues kept asking where I vanished to during that period. To this day I have learned never to "release" anything if I'm unsure of the games my bowels are playing. After all, s**t happens (pun intended).

Seth Rogen & James Franco's Parody of Kanye West's Bound 2 Video is Hilarious!!

Seth Rogen and James Franco decided to take time to do a shot-by-shot remake of Yeezy's latest music video starring Kim Kardashian. I  wonder how these guys able to do this with straight faces? I laughed so hard. Lol!

Here's the original video featuring Kim Kardashian.


Now take a look at the Seth and James version.
 

Random Things...

Hi, I know it's been ages since I last posted something on this blog. Forgive wai... I guess that is why when my friend S asked me to answer 54 random questions about myself, Iwas like why not? So, I hope you find this entertaining.

1. Who was the last person you texted?: My friend Nii. It was an accusatory whatsapp message. lol!

2. When is your birthdate?: April 5

3. Who do you want to be with right now?: Me, Myself and I

4. What sports do you play?: Hmm. I used to play volleyball but that hasn't happened in over a decade.

5. Who is the first person in your contacts?: That would be Abi

6. What is your favorite song as of the moment?: You & I by Keke Wyatt and Avant.

7. If you were stranded on an island, who do you wish to be with?: *Naughty chuckle* I would rather not say.

8. What do you feel right now?: Euphoric. The endorphins of this morning's workout are in full gear.

9 . What chocolate is your favorite?: Golden Tree Dark chocolate. What else tastes as divine?

10.  How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have?: *Clearing throat and counting fingers* I would say three.

11. Why did you create a Blogger account?: I needed a place to vent and share my thoughts and ideas.

12 . Who is your favorite blogger?: That would be Cece of the Big Girl Blog.

13 . Where do you want to be right now?: In bed, reading my Jackie Collins novel.

14 . What do you want to be in the future?: Hopefully, the CEO of a major communications consultancy. Or a partner in one.

15 . When was the last time you cried? Yesterday, I watched a wedding proposal online and my... who knew guys like that were still out there?

16.  Are you happy?: I'm rather content.

17 . Who do you miss?: My big sister.

18 . If you were given a chance, would you like to have a different life?: There are times when I think so but, in the end... I wouldn't change a thing.

19 . What was the best thing you were given?: The Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Askaban book I received when I was 18. It was totally unexpected.

20. Who was the last person who called you?: My Dad

21. What is your favorite dish?: Jollof rice and goat meat sauce.

22. Have you ever cheated on your partner?: Definitely not!

23. Who do you spend crazy moments with?: *smiling* that would be my friend Gifty.

24..What kind of music do you listen to?: Almost anything. Jazz, Pop, R&B, Gospel.. Heck! If it's good I will listen to it!

25. Are you over your past?: Finally, yes.

26. How’s your heart?: It flutters from time to time, but good otherwise.

27. Do you like someone as of the moment?: Actually, I do

28. What would you want to say to your latest ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend?: Absolutely nothing!

29. Do you have any phobias?: Heights

30. Did you try to change for a person?: In the past, yes, and obviously it didn't work out. So I've learned that they aren't the one if they can't accept you as you are.

31. What’s the nicest thing have you given to someone?: I bought the nicest shirt I could find for a good friend of mine on his birthday.

32. Would you go back to your previous relationship?: H E L L to the definite NO. What's done is done.

33. Are you in a good or bad mood?: I'm actually in a pretty good mood.

34. Name someone you can’t live without.: My parents. Sorry but I'm giving two.

35. Describe your dream date.: One that feels like we're old friends. We get great food. Good drinks.

36. Describe your dream wedding.: This one deserves its own post oo. One thing I can definitely say is that it would be an outdoor affair.

37. How many roses did you receive last Valentine’s?: None.

38. Have you ever been kissed?: Uh huh....

39. How long is your longest relationship?: On and off: Almost 3 years. 

40. Have you ever cried over someone?: Haven't we all?

41. Do you have a grudge against anyone?: At the moment yes but it'll pass

42. Did you fall for someone you shouldn’t?: Hmmm... haven't we all?

43. Have you ever done something bad but you don’t regret?: Yes

44. Do you like getting hurt?: Seriously? Is there anyone out there who is like that? SMH

45. Does anyone hate you?: lol! Probably.

46. If you can change anything about yourself, what is it?: Erhm. My weight. Working on it actually.

47. Can you live without internet?: That can't happen.

48. What’s the song that remind you of your special someone?: When I have my special someone I will know what song it is.

49. Are you good at holding back your tears?: Yep.

50. Have you ever experienced being hysterical?: Ha! I remember those days when I was working on my thesis.

51. Have you ever sacrificed something important to you for someone you love?: Who hasn't?

52. Have you been hurt so bad that you can’t find words to explain how you feel?: Sadly, yes.

53. Do you have trust issues?: I do.

54. Do you think all the pain is worth it?: Sometimes. Pain teaches you lessons, but it also makes you very cold.

When Hawkers & Human Windscreen Wipers Make You Lose It!

Last week as I was heading home from work I happened to find myself waiting for the red light at the Legon-Okponglo junction to turn green. Those of you familiar with that road must be aware of the human windscreen wipers who take you unawares and start to wipe your sometimes already clean windscreen with hopes of getting some loose change.

On this particular day I was tired and in a bad mood when this guy just appeared. I asked him to stop but he wouldn't listen. After performing the unwanted service he started tapping at my window and asking for money. I told him I didn't have any and the next thing I heard him say was "Wo maame twɛ".  I looked at him, laughed and said "You are still not getting a pesewa from me" as the light turned green and I drove off.

What annoys me is the worn out "wiper" they use when  they are supposedly cleaning your windscreen. It mostly does more harm that good if you ask me.

I Don't Even Have A Title For This...

Yesterday I was at the gym as usual, trying to briskly walk/jog on the treadmill with Beyonce's "freakum dress" playing in my ears. It wasn't until the tenth minute of my routine that I noticed I had an audience of one. The lady had been watching me move as she nodded her head in what seemed to be.... approval? Wow! I thought the gym was for exercising and not staring. Anyways, I ignored her and continued my workout till I was done.

Now get this, as I was taking a breather this lady walks towards me and asks, "Are you trying to lose weight?" Duhhhh!  Now, anyone who really knows me would know that my weight is usually a sensitive issue to discuss. However, I looked at her and answered in the affirmative. That was when she decided to lecture me on garlic and weight loss.

Lady: E se se wo wri garlic no anopa ne anadwo. Na eba ma wo a ni saaa..... Srade ni nyinaa be pue

Me: (Surprised) Saa?

Lady: Shwee! Wo be ko toiret papa!

Now, for those who didn't get my poor twi, here's the translation.

Lady: You need to chew garlic in the mornings and evening. It will make you pass a lot of stool and all the fat will be excreted.

Me: Really?

Lady: Shwee... you will go to toiret (toilet) papa!

Only God knows how I was able to prevent myself from laughing. The interesting thing was that the lady who tried to prescribe the garlic remedy to me was overweight and, she was not a member of the gym (I asked). Perhaps she hasn't been visiting the loo as often as she should. After all, e be ma wo a ni saa!

* Forgive me if you find my language unpolished.

Masturbation In the Troski?

I know some of you are wondering where this is coming from. keep reading and you'll find out soon.

Now, there have been conflicting thoughts and arguments on whether the act is good or bad. i'm not going to talk about that because that isn't the issue here. The problem arises when people bring their habits out in the open, and use others to satisfy their sexual needs. Can you believe that some crazy guy was so horny that he actually masturbated in the trotro? Wonders shall never end!

My sister and brother were coming home from town on an early Saturday morning when the "unique" incident occured. Apparently, the perpetrator of the act was sitting next to my sister whilst my brother sat on the seat in front of the guy.

My sister said all she felt was a hand brushing her left side and when she turned she noticed that the guy had crossed his hands and was masturbating with his right hand as he "brushed" my sister with his left. The poor girl was so scandalized that all she could do was stare at the guy in shock. The guy, who according to my sister was on the verge of "coming" started hitting the back of my brother's seat with his knees. My dear brother turned but the guy was so into what he was doing that he didn't even realise that he had an audience.

When he finally finished, he alighted at Legon bus stop (satisfied with his release, I'm sure). My sister stared after him with a horrified look on her face and an elderly man just breathed heavily and said... "Eye asem ooo".

Now, I've heard that these things happen on buses and trains in the US and UK... But Ghana?

How would you have reacted if you were in my sister's shoes? I'm eager to read your responses.

The Biting Pastor.....

I'm trying so hard to stop myself from exploding as I type this post. Gosh! I'm laughing so hard that my ribs actually hurt. My sister just narrated one of the most bizarre yet funny incidents I've ever heard of.

Apparently our next door neighbour visited my parents clinic to request for a tetanus shot. The reason for this, wait for it.... She was bitten by a pastor. Yes, a pastor oo...

This lady whom, on recommendation from a friend,  felt this pastor could heal her hurting knee decided to give him a try. Now, as they were praying all the woman noticed was that the man was bending his head towards her knee and before she could say Amen, the pastor had taken a bite of her fleshy knees.

Was the pastor desperate to perform a miracle? Or did he have a special agenda?

Aphrodisiacs, Cobra and “Exziteness”

I’ve always wondered why young and strong men who claim to be great in the sack waste their resources and time looking for various aphrodisiacs and penis enlargement treatments. Then yesterday, something very interesting happened on my way home from work.

Two of my colleagues (AB and FA), the chief driver (TT)  and i were in A.B’s car chatting when TT’s phone rings. He picks the call and talks in a very sweet voice, making it obvious that it is a lady on the other end of the line. As he ends the call, we begin to tease him about his many adventures with women. That was when he starts to talk about how he has “capa” and can make love for long periods of time.

He then proceeded to remove a small and funny looking tube  from his pocket which had the label Cobra on it and showed it to us. This was the conversation that ensued between us.

TT: This thing be strong papa. Cobra. Shwee! Just put a little at the tip of the “stick” and it will stand for hours.

Me: Eii! TT, so after all your bragging you use these things?

TT: Shwee! When I use am like this, e dey give me exziteness… To-otal!

You can imagine what happened next, AB, FA and I burst into fits of laughter. TT then decided to kill us with even more doses when he said “ when you finish like that, you are overjoyced” Ha! This drivers at the office wont kill me..

On Monday, one driver said Johannesbert. Now its “Exziteness” and “Overjoyced”. Ha!

But guys, what do you have to say about the use of these aphrodisiacs by men who, by medical standards do not need to use them? 

WAZZA, WAZZA

Sup folks? Guess everyone is having a great weekend.. just had to share this video with everyone.. Hope you all have a great Valentine...... Enjoy this video...



Lol!!