Memories From My Teens: The Wrong Fart.

It was a regular weekday in secondary school. The bell signifying the end of first break had just been rung and students were rushing to their classrooms; to avoid the wrath of teachers who obviously weren't pleased with the idea of  waiting for their students.

Anyway it was, like we used to call it, English period. I had just returned from the Staff Common Room (part of my duties as Assistant Class Prefect was to search for teachers if they weren't in class ten minutes after their period had begun) with instructions that we were to read a text and work on an assignment since our teacher had to see to an emergency.

We were reading in groups when all of a sudden, my stomach began to growl, you know, that sound that's like a combination of the wind blowing and a tap flowing. At first I shrugged it off since, I hadn't eaten anything crazy that morning. Then the discomfort began to increase and the growls as well, and that's when I made that big mistake. I figured that it was gas and I felt a fart coming up. Silly me thought I could quickly release it and be free but no, I was in for an unpleasant surprise as I released the wrong fart. I just felt something warm in my undies.

"Shit!" (the irony). I had just crapped my pants!

I didn't know how to react. I just remember getting up slowly and asking one of my good friends to bring my books to the dorm if I didn't return before closing time. As I trudged to the dormitory, which was a quite far from the classrooms, I prayed that I wouldn't meet any one who would ask unnecessary questions or smell anything funny.

I got to the dormitory and ran straight to the "Tugbuntiafi" (what is known as pit latrine to many), took the soiled undies off and threw them straight into the latrine. Looking back, I shudder thinking of how I would have handled the situation if the dormitories had been locked on that day. So, I did my thing, went straight to take a bath, popped some anti-diarrhea pills and stayed in the dorm till closing.

That evening at prep my colleagues kept asking where I vanished to during that period. To this day I have learned never to "release" anything if I'm unsure of the games my bowels are playing. After all, s**t happens (pun intended).

Seth Rogen & James Franco's Parody of Kanye West's Bound 2 Video is Hilarious!!

Seth Rogen and James Franco decided to take time to do a shot-by-shot remake of Yeezy's latest music video starring Kim Kardashian. I  wonder how these guys able to do this with straight faces? I laughed so hard. Lol!

Here's the original video featuring Kim Kardashian.


Now take a look at the Seth and James version.
 

Memories From My Early Twenties: You Haven't Done The Deed Yet?

I've always been a hopeless romantic; at least for as long as I can remember. Yes, I am one of those romance flick aficionados who would cry when after so many obstacles, the hero and heroine of the movie finally declare their love for each other and share a passionate kiss. Well, I guess I learnt at a very early age that those movies were just that - movies. Where do such perfectly calculated endings happen? Not in this world I'm sure.

Anyway, back to the heart of this post. I was 22 and in my final year as an undergraduate at the University of Ghana. I had just returned from a group discussion with one of my closest friends whom, for the sake of anonymity I will call L. L and I  resided at the same hostel and usually did a lot of things together, except when her boyfriend was around. And he was around a whole lot! This made me feel a bit lonely since I would leave them (I no dey like being third wheel). 

So, one day I decide to take a stab at making new "male" friends online. HI5 was the most popular social network at the time, and thanks to the internet cafe within the hostel, I could be online at anytime. I created a profile and began to make friends. A few happened to be students at UG and asked to hang out sometime, but I was a bit nervous and always gave excuses. That happened till I met a guy who seemed friendly and gentlemanly enough. After a couple of chats we exchanged numbers, hung out a couple of times and became very good friends.

Now, at 22 my thoughts on intimacy were quite rigid. It was a wait till marriage affair for me. Heck! I had guys call me frigid because I wouldn't let them touch me in a certain way or initiate anything that would end in a condom being unwrapped, but I was determined not to allow any boy make me weaken my resolve. I saw what some of my friends had gone through and wasn't prepared to lose my mind over a guy. Besides, despite my not-so-commendable relationship with the good Lord, that was one commandment I felt I could at least try to keep.

So, one night as I was telling one of my girlfriends about how I had turned away as this new "boy" friend tried to steal a kiss, another crazy friend of mine screams and says "Oh Enyo! Don't tell me you still haven't done the deed yet." I can still remember the look I got from the lot when I said I was still "Juana La Virgin" at 22. Did they also think I was insane or frigid? Well, they must have for one bluntly stated that I had watched too many "hit and run" movies, which had made me "scared of four legs". I still laugh anytime I hear someone use that term "four legs". Am I the only one who thinks it's quite crass? I was given an earful about how; the first time was painful, the longer I waited the worse the pain got, men wanted "sexually experienced" women to marry. Oh my! It was as if keeping the V untouched at my age was a felony. 

Looking back, I realize that I was one of the lucky ones who didn't give in to peer pressure. I took pride in being different. Why be like everyone else when you can be you. After all, it is differences that are noticed, not similarities. 

Memories of My Childhood: Tales by Moonlight.

Image courtesy of Google Images

I have always had this undying love for African folklore. Even as a child, I remember how I would quickly go through hundreds of pages of storybooks that were given to us at school, to the chagrin of my Dad, who usually thought the books would have me silent for a couple of days :). For some strange reason, as I drove to work today I began to think about the things that kept me busy during weeknights and weekends during my early years, and one thing that stood out was "Tales by Moonlight".

As a child growing up in Nigeria, this was a programme that many looked forward to viewing each week. Unfortunately, I can't seem to remember what day it aired on NTA (Nigerian Television Authority) but, I do remember how the following morning's discussions at school focused mainly on the story viewed the evening before.

Tales by Moonlight was an awesome kids' show that had the lovely lady storyteller (I think she was Aunty Nkem or something) share folktales with a group of girls and boys in a village setting. These stories, as the title of the show suggests, were narrated in the evening by moonlight. Oh! How I miss those days. As soon as I heard her say "Story story", I would be automatically hypnotized by the TV for the next 30-35 minutes. Not even my favorite meal could take my eyes away from the screen. 

Well, Aunty would then magically transport us viewers into storyland as voice/ human actors re-enacted the story being narrated, depending on the nature of the story. Two of my favorites were "Why the Tortoise Has a Cracked Shell" and "Why the Sky is so High". These stories were not only entertaining, but also taught very valuable lessons/morals at the end. Let's not forget the colourful "Chocomilo kids are here" ad that ended with the "Chewy, Chocolaty Chunks of Fun tagline."

Sigh! If only we would continue to show some of these programmes, children would learn a lot from these instead of the "Ben 10s" and "Generator Rexs" that have nothing valuable to teach these children. Sadly, favorites like "By the Fireside" and "Thursday Theatre" just faded away into oblivion.

Do my Nigerian friends remember "Tales by Moonlight"? To my Ghanaian/other friends, remember any interesting programmes from your childhood? Please share.

Our Gutters Are WCs At Dawn.

It is one thing to see people pouring urine and the other stuff in gutters at dawn, but when you see grown ups who should know better actually squatting and s****ing in the gutter.... SMH.

This morning as my Dad and I went for our usual jog/brisk walk, we couldn't help but comment on the pungent smell emanating from the gutter as we jogged along the street. It was a combination of remnants of the previous day's washed dishes and food particles from food vendors and, the usual human waste.

Now, my Dad always carries a flashlight during our dawn sessions since we usually have to walk on a rough path at some points and the street lights aren't in abundance. This is his way of ensuring that he does not trip over stray dogs, stones etc. Anyway, back to the main story. Yes, so my Dad and I were heading back home when we heard some unusual movement. Of course, my Dad turns on his flashlight and that's when we see this squatting and doing his own thing in the gutter.

To say I was surprised would be putting it lightly. Seriously, that street was a very busy one, even at 4:30am. The guy wasn't even bothered that we had seen him. he just went ahead and did his thing. At that point I was wishing that some creature would just bite him in the a$$! Will this same guy be surprised if after eating at the chop bar that was directly opposite the gutter, he had a serious bout of gastroenteritis? 

God help us!

Chemical Shop Attendant Don Turn Doctor?

Na waa ooo... As I sat in my office trying to ignore the budding pain in my throat it occurred to me that this symptom could mean the onset of a nasty cold, which yours truly did not intend to go through. So, I quickly checked my first aid drawer only to realize that I did not have any Amoxicillin or Vitamin C. Arrrrgh! Now, being the cautious one I decide to send Doctor Daddy a message telling him my problem. He quickly responded with instructions. Get Amoxicillin and Vitamin C from the nearest pharmacy and take so so and so capsules.

If only I knew that my trip to the drug store was going to turn into an interview, I would have worn my shoes. Lol! This was the exchange at the shop.

Me: Good afternoon
Attendant (Male): Good afternoon
Me: Please do you have Amoxicillin?
Attendant (Male): How many mg do you want?
Me: 500mg
So, the guy goes to the shelf and returns with the box of 28 capsules and says GH¢7. My dear friends, I needed only a strip since there are boxes upon boxes of the drug at home. I tell him, "Please I need just 10 capsules".

Attendant: You can't take only ten capsules. It is an antibiotic.
Me: I know that, but I have some of the drugs at home.
Attendant: Why did you leave it at home then.
Me (getting irritated): The symptoms only started this afternoon and I was given instructions.
Attendant: What symptoms?
Me (visibly pissed): Are you a doctor? What's with the interview? If you aren't going to sell me the drug tell me.
Attendant: I'm just telling you what I know
Me: And I told you what a doctor knows so tell me, are you a doctor?
Attendant: No
Me: Then please stop wasting my time and energy and give me the bloody pills!

He then gets me the strip after which I pay him. Guess what? His Maths was rusty that he almost didn't give me my change of GH¢ 1.20. What's with this? SMH.

I get the insistence that I get the full course, but I would think that with my explanation he would let it go. I wasn't buying Lasix or Atenolol for crying out loud. It was an antibiotic!

I repeat, na waa ooo.

Random Things...

Hi, I know it's been ages since I last posted something on this blog. Forgive wai... I guess that is why when my friend S asked me to answer 54 random questions about myself, Iwas like why not? So, I hope you find this entertaining.

1. Who was the last person you texted?: My friend Nii. It was an accusatory whatsapp message. lol!

2. When is your birthdate?: April 5

3. Who do you want to be with right now?: Me, Myself and I

4. What sports do you play?: Hmm. I used to play volleyball but that hasn't happened in over a decade.

5. Who is the first person in your contacts?: That would be Abi

6. What is your favorite song as of the moment?: You & I by Keke Wyatt and Avant.

7. If you were stranded on an island, who do you wish to be with?: *Naughty chuckle* I would rather not say.

8. What do you feel right now?: Euphoric. The endorphins of this morning's workout are in full gear.

9 . What chocolate is your favorite?: Golden Tree Dark chocolate. What else tastes as divine?

10.  How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have?: *Clearing throat and counting fingers* I would say three.

11. Why did you create a Blogger account?: I needed a place to vent and share my thoughts and ideas.

12 . Who is your favorite blogger?: That would be Cece of the Big Girl Blog.

13 . Where do you want to be right now?: In bed, reading my Jackie Collins novel.

14 . What do you want to be in the future?: Hopefully, the CEO of a major communications consultancy. Or a partner in one.

15 . When was the last time you cried? Yesterday, I watched a wedding proposal online and my... who knew guys like that were still out there?

16.  Are you happy?: I'm rather content.

17 . Who do you miss?: My big sister.

18 . If you were given a chance, would you like to have a different life?: There are times when I think so but, in the end... I wouldn't change a thing.

19 . What was the best thing you were given?: The Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Askaban book I received when I was 18. It was totally unexpected.

20. Who was the last person who called you?: My Dad

21. What is your favorite dish?: Jollof rice and goat meat sauce.

22. Have you ever cheated on your partner?: Definitely not!

23. Who do you spend crazy moments with?: *smiling* that would be my friend Gifty.

24..What kind of music do you listen to?: Almost anything. Jazz, Pop, R&B, Gospel.. Heck! If it's good I will listen to it!

25. Are you over your past?: Finally, yes.

26. How’s your heart?: It flutters from time to time, but good otherwise.

27. Do you like someone as of the moment?: Actually, I do

28. What would you want to say to your latest ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend?: Absolutely nothing!

29. Do you have any phobias?: Heights

30. Did you try to change for a person?: In the past, yes, and obviously it didn't work out. So I've learned that they aren't the one if they can't accept you as you are.

31. What’s the nicest thing have you given to someone?: I bought the nicest shirt I could find for a good friend of mine on his birthday.

32. Would you go back to your previous relationship?: H E L L to the definite NO. What's done is done.

33. Are you in a good or bad mood?: I'm actually in a pretty good mood.

34. Name someone you can’t live without.: My parents. Sorry but I'm giving two.

35. Describe your dream date.: One that feels like we're old friends. We get great food. Good drinks.

36. Describe your dream wedding.: This one deserves its own post oo. One thing I can definitely say is that it would be an outdoor affair.

37. How many roses did you receive last Valentine’s?: None.

38. Have you ever been kissed?: Uh huh....

39. How long is your longest relationship?: On and off: Almost 3 years. 

40. Have you ever cried over someone?: Haven't we all?

41. Do you have a grudge against anyone?: At the moment yes but it'll pass

42. Did you fall for someone you shouldn’t?: Hmmm... haven't we all?

43. Have you ever done something bad but you don’t regret?: Yes

44. Do you like getting hurt?: Seriously? Is there anyone out there who is like that? SMH

45. Does anyone hate you?: lol! Probably.

46. If you can change anything about yourself, what is it?: Erhm. My weight. Working on it actually.

47. Can you live without internet?: That can't happen.

48. What’s the song that remind you of your special someone?: When I have my special someone I will know what song it is.

49. Are you good at holding back your tears?: Yep.

50. Have you ever experienced being hysterical?: Ha! I remember those days when I was working on my thesis.

51. Have you ever sacrificed something important to you for someone you love?: Who hasn't?

52. Have you been hurt so bad that you can’t find words to explain how you feel?: Sadly, yes.

53. Do you have trust issues?: I do.

54. Do you think all the pain is worth it?: Sometimes. Pain teaches you lessons, but it also makes you very cold.

Making My Blue Heart Red Again.

When we first met, I didn't think it possible 
My heart, so cold was frozen by the past hurt 
It was kept under lock and key 
But with all the strength I had 
I couldn't fight the feeling deep within 

I tried not to think of you 
To tell myself that what I felt was a mistake 
That I was fine being all by myself 
A lie, even I could not convince myself was true 

I see you and a unique kind of warmth just captures my whole being 
I battle with my feelings as I try to keep you from making my blue heart red again 
For I am afraid you will hurt me 
Afraid my heart will freeze again and the numbness worse than before 

I told myself "don't love him for you will only get hurt" 
Then i closed my eyes and there you were 
Reminding me of all the things I feel 

I'm tired of holding back. 
My longing for you overcame my fear 
Your gentle touch conquered my defenses 
And when you held me in your arms and said you loved me 
The glacier in my heart began to melt 
As the warmth of your love filled my soul.

When Hawkers & Human Windscreen Wipers Make You Lose It!

Last week as I was heading home from work I happened to find myself waiting for the red light at the Legon-Okponglo junction to turn green. Those of you familiar with that road must be aware of the human windscreen wipers who take you unawares and start to wipe your sometimes already clean windscreen with hopes of getting some loose change.

On this particular day I was tired and in a bad mood when this guy just appeared. I asked him to stop but he wouldn't listen. After performing the unwanted service he started tapping at my window and asking for money. I told him I didn't have any and the next thing I heard him say was "Wo maame twɛ".  I looked at him, laughed and said "You are still not getting a pesewa from me" as the light turned green and I drove off.

What annoys me is the worn out "wiper" they use when  they are supposedly cleaning your windscreen. It mostly does more harm that good if you ask me.

Things Are Falling Apart...

Sigh! They are waiting for that hanging part to drop on an innocent pedestrian or driver on a windy day. 

Deadly Billboards...

One only needs to walk along the streets of Accra to see that outdoor advertising has become a very common means of exposing brands and products in the nation's capital Accra. Huge billboards advertising cars, mobile phones, banks, rice etc. can be found all over the city but it is those by the roadsides that command the attention of the viewer, due to their sizes and bright display of colours and creative flexibility. And, considering that it is always there 24hrs a day with no interruption, it is therefore no wonder that many advertisers who can afford it prefer this mode of advertising.

My problem with these billboards however, is how they are mounted and maintained. Have these billboard constructing companies forgotten that we are talking about tonnes of metal that could instantly create havoc if not handled with utmost care and responsibility? Anytime I'm going to the Legon Total Filling Station I say a little prayer as I drive underneath a billboard structure which used to advertise the Huawei range of tablets 

(would have taken a picture but the road does not really accommodate parking). The thing is literally falling apart! I sure hope that a piece (or the whole) of it doesn't decide to come crashing down when someone is driving by; it would be catastrophic! And that isn't the only faulty one I've seen!

AMA, AAG, DDP and the rest of you who work in the billboard construction and mounting industry, I beg of you, our lives are too precious to be risked by ignorance and incompetency.